Pieces of my soul

By Rehema

I rest my head on the pillow, squeezing my eyes shut hoping that this storm that rages within me will soon be over but I can’t. For sleep evades me and I am left to feel the chiming of hours from the clock, chiming longer then suddenly briefly. This has happened to me so much in the last months that have flown past me as each time I am left to implore for the day to break all the livelong night and the night to fall all livelong day. For lately, I do not feel tethered to anything real. And as it is, my mind is in a pandemonium and somewhere in this turmoil ,thoughts struggle on to seek me and when I think it’s finished it’s starts again.


Well, as it is, it’s not always dramatic. Sometimes it begins with panic bouldering within me. This panic that at any moment, people around me will realize I haven’t actually merited the spaces I am in. Panic that there is more to me than the person everybody else sees. Panic that I may start screaming, and people will come running to my door and finally force it open. The panic that I may resort to silence when asked because this fear is something specific and impossible to describe in any given term.

That at times it may begin with a lump in my throat, one that I cannot swallow and it hurts past that and sometimes it’s the tears welling up my eyes from being suppressed for far too long that one day I lose its grip and the cry slips out in a tone compounded with dread. That all these things I am so afraid of are never far away and that they are hovering over me. That this feeling has been somewhere and is resurfacing in it’s old place rendering the same agony I felt the first time it showed itself at my door . That each time I reckon against it, I just move in cycles only to find myself in the same spot ,not knowing how, and one which I cannot leave at will.

Hence, when my eyes are strained from the sleeplessness and this burden crushes over me as I sink beneath it. I long for solitude. To be alone .To allow myself feel everything melancholy, lonely and foreboding. That all these feelings however intense, are ephemeral and are on transit. However, this solitude breaks me with it’s yearning. A longing for your presence. A desperation I am fighting to subdue under the guise of self control because I do not want to be engrossed dependently to you. But perhaps. Perhaps, knowing this is what I want is actually natural.

Consequently, when my heartbeat is shallow and tears are stinging my eyes . When my heart is being ripped apart by the continuous abrasion life throws at me. When I am run through with distress which impels me to plunge deeper into darkness. My lips cry out your name. Because you my person understands me on a deeper level. You know when I am downhearted over a standstill. You know when I have progressed too rapidly. You know when I am putting on a show .You know when I am disengaged from the inside. You know when an unforseen storm is lurking within me. You know it all from the shape of my tears, the weight of them and still you do not judge me for what is most flawed and imperfectly human about me.


Thus ,when peace becomes elusive and pressure builds up in my lungs I turn to you. I turn to you each time I find myself rolling in the deep trenches where it’s next impossible to get out . I rely on you because not once have you forsaken me when the chips are down. You have been my constant. The only permanent face etched in my mind, unmoved by every shock, unshaken in the middle of my upheaval. For this is a thing about language. That it’s only you I can reveal to all these things churning within me. That it’s only you I can explain my feelings without them being lost through translation.

Such that when pain weighs so heavy and I am utterly powerless and my cry abates . I see you looking at me without reserve and involuntary I make allowance for that eye, because it’s the moment of recognition. The moment that I come undone. I come undone because you peer into the holes of my flaws and still love me . You choose me irregardless of my filth that keeps staining you. For in all these, you remind and liberate me from the mean fussing of being pristine. So I come undone. Stripped of pretense as I lay myself bare, naked and not ashamed for you to see my messy authentic self. To see my unhinged. To see my crazy, my functions and mundane.

So, when peace becomes elusive, I long for this connection that radiates my soul. It’s your voice telling me to come home to you. This voice that tells me to keep my faith even in the midst of trial. The voice that reminds me that what is supremely guiding and protecting me won’t subject me to any experience that is not mine to claim. It’s your voice that affirms I am at rock bottom and the only direction I can go is up. Yes, your voice. Because I am a representation of you, of us and having such candid, vulnerable conversations, with honesty that is two fold and unbiased is something I have long prayed for. And seemingly, I can talk to you about anything and surely, it is this frank language that binds me to you. For you my person, you are the balm that lulls my wounds.

*****************************************

You who so knows my handwriting. You who listens to my voice with your innards.

Sorry, I send long voice notes & string of messages on nights I do not know what to do with myself. Other times, it’s on days, I just want to be listened to. And occasionally on other days, to tell you of the baby steps I’ve made so far.

Thank you for not finding all these condescending, never making me feel like I am too much.

You are kind and one of the most spontaneous people I have ever met. You are a colossal! You are a force! A rare gem. Stay the beautiful soul you are!

Hence, this is for you. For being my confidante and my go – to person. This is for you. For grounding me when life gets overwhelming like it often does. This is for being you & being there for me throughout last year.

25 thoughts on “Pieces of my soul

  1. We all need such people. Someone you can share a connection, one who can tell what’s in your mind and what you feel, one in whose hands you feel safe and one who makes you feel you’re home. This was such a nice piece my dear. It’s so expressive and I loved it.🔥🔥💯

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love artistic violence, and that’s what this piece offers. Thanks for providing this space, where we can be unapologetically true to ourselves even though it means battle with fear, anxiety and all that’s stricken against us.

    Liked by 1 person

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