With Love Silpah…..
There is something about me wondering who I am , when life itself feels like a prologue and everything else banal.The thoughts on this question are stuck with me like a leech which is not aware of how repugnant it is. Hence, each time I try to shake off these thoughts, I am forced to dwell on them deeper.It is that thing about one being unable to legislate their thoughts , because seemingly, thoughts have a mind of their own.
Thus,every time I delve deeper, anxiety seeps through me just enough to register a creeping fear of me being an imposter.Fear that at any moment ,people around me will realize I haven’t actually merited the spaces I am in.Fear that there is more to me than the person everybody else sees. A fraud. Yes! this fear of me feeling like a poser and not loving my authentic self.
Recently,I have began to slow down and listen to parts of myself that I knew not.However, each time I do,I am drawn to a trauma place.A place where lies about myself are filtered out.A place where I am able to come raw and undone with my parts.Stripped to nudity where the bruises on my body are seen, marked with my repression ,forming hard lumps under my skin whilst keeping their sting.A place where I am set apart from everything.This place l am lonely and by myself and just maybe.
Maybe, loneliness is not a cry for help.Having this repartee with myself feels like terror.I am afraid of the questions.Questions that require me to tell the tale of my unspeakables.I am appalled by my silence in regards to these questions.My own silence depresses me.I want to find words that will bring out the hurt festering in me.To scream and tell the world that this has been a bad home to live in.However,I remain dumb and still.My quietness in this moment maybe confused for meekness but it’s just actually an absence of language .A language to act as a conduit to that which is churning within me.
Listening to these parts of me,reminds me of how much I have bypassed.It unravells the illusions I hide behind.It brings clarity to all that is not serving me. And now in my essence, I am learning to stare a little longer in the eyes looking back at me in the mirror.To be kind to her. To forgive where her feet faltered while she was growing.To help her understand that it was not anybody’s fault that she has been living the darkness when she just wasn’t shining the light she had.
I am learning to fight the voices that would often sabotage my mind with doubt, feelings of me being too serious,rejected and uninteresting.For this spot is where my entire being comes close to breaking.The spot that reminds me that my heart is the strongest force I have and at the very most it will tear and not break. And it is right here I allow love to meet me. To tell me that I have always been more than enough for the monsters inside me.To make me aware, that it is okay for me to keep honouring my words for other people.To be their peace.To go forth and be for them who I am for me.All these because I am love and loving people has always been something I am built for.
However, I am also embracing the fact that it is not okay to hold on tightly to that which is meant for flying.That it is not okay to hold on to people who would do anything not to be held.That there is no shame in me cutting ties to relationships that would often feel like drudgery.That there is no shame in choosing to enjoy my own company and being content without involving all and sundry.
For as it is, some things will always crumble even after so many years of labor.That some walls have to break down for a breakthrough.That some things are not meant for me to keep .That some things will require every ounce of my blood and soul and still not fill me up.That all these things I desire will not necessarily mean I ought to have them.Nonetheless,I am learning to embrace the virtue of acceptance and hope.
Acceptance that in such moments, I learn to take a little bit of truth.The truth of all these things being unfair but trusting that the best is yet to come.
Hope that I may not find it difficult to feel everything I deserve.Hope that I keep growing , shedding off layers to embody the truest version of myself.
To keep moving in this journey ,trusting that upcoming days will be a little easier to breathe.For through these conversations,I have learnt to nurture my insides with tenderness.I have learnt that I am not a side character in my own story.I have learnt that Iam not incomplete neither am I a half written story.I am still growing , unlearning, blooming and becoming.Hence,here I am, having one foot planted in desire and another in gratitude ,walking with my successes and failures simultaneously to always remind me that I am still a work in progress.
With Love Rehema …
(2020) –All rights reserved . Copyright to the work published on this website is held by Silpah Rehema.The data that appears on the site should not be reproduced or republished without prior written consent.